Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Want Too Much (Or, I Have No Idea What I Want)

I haven't felt much like blogging in the past few days. It seems there is never enough time to get everything done in a day that needs to get done and blogging is just one of those things that takes a backburner.

This blog has mostly been a way for family to check in and see pictures of little Miss Emma, peppered with a few tidbits about our lives, perhaps some funny stories. I teeter back and forth on where I want this story to go and how exactly, I am going to tell it.

Being cynical by nature, it's hard to project sunshine and happiness when I feel my life is anything but. I garner inspiration from Nie, Cjane, Jen, and Lisa, people's whose blogs I read, whose lives I envy, whose actions I try to emulate.

Even in moments of sadness and despair, Nie finds light.

By all accounts, the Carter life is not a bad one. We have a beautiful house in a great neighborhood. We have Emma who makes me laugh on occasion by doing things that only a four-year old can get away with. Things like sticking her booty in the air and yelling "Take that!" followed by a little puff of air. I would like to make note that I had nothing to do with teaching her that, and according to Dan, neither did he. I suppose I am to believe she came up with that all on her own?

My relationship with Dan has it's ups and downs, like any marriage I suppose, not entirely happy all the time, but not dreadfully unhappy either. Our bills usually get paid on time and we don't go without food or entertainment, so, I guess you could say, our lives are generally happy.

The thing is, I have an idea of what happiness is, and currently, I'm just not that happy.

Things that would make me happy:
I would like to stay home with my child.
I would like to have a daily schedule filled with a to-do list of chores that keep my home a haven of organization and fresh smelling sheets.
I would like to grow a bountiful garden with fresh vegetables for consumption.
I would like a life with purpose and meaning that does not include maintaining any other self image than that of good wife and mother.
I would like a husband who supports and embraces this lifestyle.

Is that too much to ask?

No comments:

Post a Comment